Bollocks Enough (PG; Dudley/Pansy, Harry; 415 words): Dudley decides to take up the challenge of Pansy.
Harry eventually reached out to Dudley and began showing him something of the wizarding world. Although he was now slim and wanted to remain so, Dudley most enjoyed it when Harry took him to a fancy restaurant called the Gryphon's Foote. Their curries truly were magical, but there was another reason that Dudley looked forward to going.
"Why isn't someone with her?" he asked, inclining his head towards the regular table of the petite, dark-haired witch with the perfect breasts and, apparently, permanent scowl. "Her expression reads like a challenge."
Harry pulled a face as the orchestra began playing. "That's Pansy Parkinson. I told you about her, remember?"
"Yeah," Dudley replied, throwing down his serviette, "but you know, if you can 'forgive' that Snape bloke, surely someone ought to do the same for her."
"Good luck with that," Harry replied. "She'll probably find your attention overly familiar, particularly as you're a Mug—"
His eyes on Parkinson, Dudley replied, "She's desperate for attention, you git. Why else would she keep coming here on her own? Besides," he said, turning to wink at Harry, "I think we've established that you have no idea what witches want."
Leaving Harry blushing, Dudley approached Parkinson, who was pretending not to notice him; Dudley took that as a good sign. When birds were too eager, it often implied future neediness; when they feigned disinterest, it usually meant they were primed to wrap their legs around a bloke.
I will be that bloke, Dudley promised himself, saying, "Fancy a dance, gorgeous?"
Looking down her adorable nose at him, Parkinson replied, "I don't know you."
"Sure you do. I'm the only bloke in the room with bollocks enough to approach you."
"Then you obviously don't know me." Parkinson's eyes widened. "Oh, my gods. You're one of Potter's kin, aren't you?"
"And it's lucky for you that I am given that you're clearly no one's kith." Dudley held out his arm. "Come on, then. You know you want to, and I'm a great dancer."
Parkinson took his arm, saying, "You'd better be, Mr Dursley," only to flush at her words. "Shit."
Laughing, Dudley led her onto the floor. "I knew it. You have been watching me, haven't you, Pans?"
"Shut up and dance before I change my mind, Dursley."
Taking Pansy into his arms without otherwise moving, he said, "Shut up and dance, Dudley."
Her eyes narrowed and she stiffened, but after that brief, understandable hesitation, Pansy murmured, "Shut up and dance, now."