Characters: Lucius Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, Narcissa Malfoy, Severus Snape
Word Count: 855
Summary: Concern over various familial needs finds Luna in want of a penis—or two, as it happens.
Disclaimer: This work of fan fiction is based on characters and situations created by J. K. Rowling and owned by J. K. Rowling and various publishers, including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made from (and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended by) the posting of this fan work.
"—and that's why I need your penis."
Lucius, to his great irritation, blinked in the face of the young woman's astonishing announcement. "I beg your pardon?" hung thickly and unsaid in the air between them. He wanted to scowl in the face of her "explanation," but his surprise at her request was still so profound that he found he could not. The only thing left to him was a blank stare, which he levelled at her with every confused and mortified fibre of his being.
She grinned. "I see that you weren't expecting it all to be so simple."
His eyes widening, Lucius opened his mouth to speak—too late.
"The spell isn't invasive, and I won't see anything, if that's what you're worried about."
She spoke so quickly that Lucius didn't even have time to close his mouth, so he pressed his advantage. "I am not 'worried'." He was pleased to note that his tone held a a cool finality.
"Oh, good!" she exclaimed, raising her wand.
She paused mid-swish. "Yes?"
"I did not give you permission to take a magical cast of my person!"
"Oh, but you said that you weren't worried."
"So I did, but why you should have taken my words as an assent to your absurd proposal, I do not know. Allow me to be more clear: you do not have my permission to take a magical cast of my penis!"
"I see. That's unfortunate," Miss Lovegood told him, sheathing her wand. "It would have been a fairly painless and inexpensive way for you to make reparation to me, but I understand—you have too many Galleons to mind the loss of several thousand more."
Lucius closed his eyes, inwardly groaning to imagine the state of his vault at Gringotts.
"Five hundred thousand, was it? I forget. There were so many judgments."
"That's true enough."
Narcissa. Damn. Lucius hadn't known that she was listening at the door. He closed his eyes more tightly.
"May we have your word that you will only share this cast of yours with the one party?"
"Narcissa!" Lucius exclaimed, turning to glare at her.
"Oh, yes," said Miss Lovegood. "Just the one. It has to be a penis he can respect, you see."
Lucius steeled himself against the inevitable. "Do it."
"Done," Lovegood said sweetly.
"Allow me to show you to the door," Narcissa replied, as Lucius slumped down dejectedly in his chair.
"Goodness, no wonder she hasn't left him," Luna said, as Severus completed the spells that would animate the cast that hovered with a thick quiescence in the air between them.
He took up a velvet-lined box and placed it under the penis—complete with its heavy scrotum—before murmuring something, and then closed the box once the penis had nestled itself inside of it. "Well, that's done. Prepare this," he said, waving a hand at the box and sending it towards Luna, "for delivery and get it out of my sight—and don't forget to tell Narcissa its activation word."
Luna laughed. "I think Mrs Malfoy probably knows everything she must in order to make her own husband's penis work, Severus."
"If that were true . . . ."
Busying herself with obeying her employer's order, Luna told him, "Oh, it would be if Mr Malfoy weren't so depressed about the wedding."
"I still can't believe that Draco is to take the Potter name and be the brat's bearer."
"Yes, well, neither can Mr Malfoy, Severus. That's why Mrs Malfoy asked for your help. Are you sure that the penis will function? She wants another son so very much, you know."
Severus glared at her, flushing. "I did create a test model, as I told you. It will function."
"Excellent! Oh, I do so enjoy working for you. I learn so many interesting spells, and your techniques are fascinating."
Severus' expression softened in the face of her praise, just as Luna had known it would; he hadn't been in the way of receiving compliments before she'd come to work for him, and she found that a liberal application of praise to Severus' bruised sense of self was exceedingly beneficial. The technique was quite her own, and using it was how she had persuaded Severus to accept Mrs Malfoy's unorthodox request with regard to her familial needs.
Thinking about her own needs and the generous fee that Mrs Malfoy had paid for Severus' services, Luna smiled. There's more than enough money to renovate the apothecary and Spinner's End, as well as to provide a cushion against any lean times.
That was a welcome development because Severus was always so concerned about business falling off that he never stopped working, which made finding an opportunity to see much more of him than his test penis quite difficult.
Luna was determined, however, to see Severus' actual penis because it was the tool with which she planned to create her own family.
Of course, I won't be as old-fashioned as Mrs Malfoy, she thought, considering the sign that she longed to hang over the door of the shop.
"Snapes and Daughters' Apothecary"—Luna didn't doubt that one day, it would be a thriving concern.