Characters: Greta Catchlove, others
Word Count: 569
Disclaimer: This work of fan fiction is based on characters and situations created by J. K. Rowling and owned by J. K. Rowling and various publishers, including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made from (and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended by) the posting of this fan work.
Author's Note: Written for Round Seven of the Harry Potter Random Facts Fest.
- Greta hates the pen name that her editor insisted she use upon the publication of her book, Charm Your Own Cheese. "Gerta Curd" is a silly name.
- Of course, being called "Catchlove" hasn't done her any favours, either.
- A hag once showed up on her family's doorstep and insisted upon speaking to "the lady who does catch love." When Mrs Catchlove tried to explain that she didn't catch lovers for anyone, the hag attempted to curse her—and would have done, too, had not Greta caught the curse in a block of Stilton. Her brothers called her "Catch Curse" for days afterward.
- Years later, they remembered the nickname during an incredibly awkward summer moment between Greta and Hengist Applebloomer that resulted in there being no further awkwardness of any kind between the courting pair.
- This is mostly because of that awful hag, Bess Gordon, a local girl who took such delight in hearing Greta called "Catch Curse" that she took to saying, "If you catch Greta's love, you'll catch her curse!"
- This was about the time that Greta remembered having caught the hag's curse in the Stilton and began experimenting with the concept.
- Greta has also published Charm Your Own Yoghurt as Gerta Greekle, Charm Your Own Baked Goods as Gerta Bunn, and Charm Your Own Household Necessities as Gerta Keeper. Again, the pen names were her editor's fault. She has no idea if she'll allow her to keep "Curd" when she presents her with the completed manuscript of Curse Your Own Cheese, Too.
- Greta once met a lovely woman by the name of Molly Weasley at Flourish and Blotts while signing copies of Cheese. They got along so splendidly that they've corresponded ever since.
- Occasionally, Greta receives odd fan mail. Her strangest letter was from a young witch called Romilda something or other who wanted to know if it was possible to hide a love potion in a slice of cheese. Greta replied to her sternly that "if one's cheese-making charms are strong enough, one needn't rely on potions of any sort to attract a partner."
- And it's true; Greta's husband's love of her cheeses was what brought them together.
- Everyone from joke-makers to potioneers have sought out Greta's advice with regard to cheese-making—and samples of her cultures and moulds.
- Anyone who's ever sought samples of Greta's cultures and moulds has fled before a particularly nasty cursed cheese. She doesn't share.
- Hengist Applebloomer had the nerve to order cheese for his wedding from Greta; Bess Applebloomer spent her wedding night redolent of ripe Limburger.
- For an appalling number of Galleons, Greta agreed to develop a blood cheese for a wealthy vampire who wished to fit in at cocktail parties.
- Greta doesn't hold with flatulent sheep; she maintains that it's a dietary defect that causes it, and that it means bad milk and "farty" cheese.
- As a point of interest, most of the cheese-makers in the vicinity of Greta's dairy boast flatulent sheep, but none of them produce as fart-inducing a cheese as the Applebloomers.
- Greta also keeps cows—and their methane, which can be bottled for several useful purposes.
- Little green-glowing lamps sweetly light the Catchlove Dairy, but one must be careful not to break them.
- In the event of cheese-theft, they are, however, charmed to break. The Weasley brothers learnt this the hard way.
- Greta is the proud sole supplier of cheese to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.