Character: Auror Christopher March (Original Male Character)
Word Count: 568
Disclaimer: This piece is based on characters and situations created by J. K. Rowling, and owned by J. K. Rowling and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made from and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended by the posting of this fic.
Author's Note: Written for Round Six of the Harry Potter Random Facts Fest. Based on my sshg_exchange story, Reading Season.
- March is a bit suspicious about everything.
- Seen one apocalyptic cult, seen 'em all—March finds such organizations
all the time!boring. He'll never understand what drives some people to forego an evening of take-away curry and telly for a bout of black-robed chanting and sacrifice. Silly buggers, cultists.
- Thanks to Firewhiskey, he never has nightmares.
- Standard equipment, for a man in his line of work: earplugs (cultists are loud sorts), a variety of non-Euclidean objects (half the job's experimenting with artifacts), a complete copy of the Necronomicon (he's disguised his as bad porn—porn because it's not unexpected for a man to be reading it, and bad porn to discourage its theft), his wand (of course), Firewhiskey (of course), a Muggle first aid kit containing magical aid items (because while camouflauge is often necessary, Muggle "medicinal" aid is never acceptable), and Mars bars (because a man gets hungry, doesn't he?).
- Non-standard equipment for a man in his line of work: porn, the good stuff (his primary department doesn't give him time off to meet people, and a man has needs).
- March has never seen a "protective" amulet that did any real good for anything other than the dark being who created it—protective amulets, at least, the real ones, are usually energy sucks—and not pleasant ones.
- Granger's mental; the least cute thing in the universe may not be a shoggoth, but it comes close; March is grateful that Granger will never have to understand this fact.
- Training and experience have taught March how to see what's there, rather than what people want him to think is there; he's bitter about this.
- March's mum has beautiful eyes—three of them, and her third one isn't a psychic Third eye.
- March is never metaphorical and doesn't go in for family reunions.
- Eventually, he'll meet his siblings, which is why he carries his non-Euclidean bits and so much Firewhiskey.
- He'll never meet his father—never again, anyway (which is one of the reasons he avoids family reunions).
- There actually is a Permanent Record; most people in his line of work consult it to find their next assignments; March consults it upon occasion when in need of a new apprentice: talent, properly channelled, needn't be wasted—just look at how well Frank Morgan's worked out!
personalprofessional reasons, March never eats fish.
- Nietzsche said, "When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you." March doesn't hold with abyss-looking; it leads to the loss of apprentices. That said, it also leads to a pretty good reflection of himself. Naturally, this disturbs him.
- March doesn't believe in God having met too many gods, but he thanks them all for Firewhiskey.
- One of the secrets of the universe to which March is privy is a bitch—with precocious tentacles. Rookie mistake. It still pains March that it was his mistake, and that it led to the death of his trainer.
- Having met Snape and learnt something of the man's life, March is confident that the man has an epic porn collection.
- March has attended every Christmas party his primary department's thrown during his tenure as a "trainer"; he doesn't remember a one of them.
- He is certain, however, that his Ogden's stock improves with each one. What? Can't a man, even in his line of work, make investments? Yeah, right: retirement's not truly an option for March, but he is an optimist. It's his biggest flaw, really.