Summary: It should be obvious to everyone that all snakes would Sort Slytherin.
How to Properly Secure Eggs (NC-17; Snarry, Original Snake; 529 words)
Harry wrinkled his nose against the scents of charred wood and scorched Potions ingredients as he entered Snape's Ministry lab to find him shouting, "Aggressive, unruly, obstreperous snake!" and holding an ashwinder at bay with his wand.
She wants her eggs, Harry thought, as he smoothed down his robes and looked at the Ever-Icing Bowl holding a red, steaming clutch behind Snape. Gathering his nerve, he asked, "Aren't you being redundant?"
Snape turned to glare at him. "Potter. What the hell do you want?"
"Well, I had personal business to discuss with you, but that can wait given you've obviously left the issue of a Class Triple Ex magical creature improperly secured. Care to explain that, Mr Snape?"
Snape's mouth opened and closed several times in apparent astonishment, and he flushed angrily.
"Just fucking with you," Harry said, murmuring something in Parseltongue at the ashwinder, who obediently returned to her "snakequarium" after responding with some answering hisses. Then, with a flick of his wand, Harry restored Snape's lab.
"What the hell did you just do? How could you possibly know what damage that menace did?"
"You're welcome—and that menace's name is 'Slissa'."
Snape crossed his arms, his glare now more pronounced, and said nothing.
"You should probably give her back her clutch. She's not happy with you—says you've been taking too many eggs of late."
"I do not take orders from a snake!"
"How about ones from an Auror who understands the proper safety and security charms one should employ when—"
"Potter! Why are you here? What 'personal business' did you care to discuss?"
And that's as close to thanks as I'll get, isn't it? Harry rolled his eyes and grinned; it was gratifying enough to see Snape's eyes widen a bit. Well, here goes, Harry thought, deciding to be as explicit as possible. "I figured, after our, er, dance at the Ministry gala, that you might be interested in coming 'round to my place, having dinner, talking for a while, and then shagging me senseless. How does tonight sound? About seven? I'd return the favour, and I'm not a half-bad cook—but you should bring the wine 'cause I'm pants at selecting it. We're having beef."
Harry's heart hammered in his chest as Snape gaped at him. He's not hexing me! He's not hexing me! He's not—
"Screw beef. I prefer Auror," Snape said, suddenly moving towards Harry and walking him backwards into the now-closed door.
He sank to his knees and unceremoniously jerked Harry's trousers down before gently sucking one of Harry's bollocks into his warm, wet, welcoming mouth while Harry let loose an appreciative string of sibilant obscenities.
"[Aren't you being redundant?]" Slissa hissed at the shorter human, as she slithered out of her cage towards her clutch.
She wasn't surprised when he didn't reply to her. When she'd told him that Tall spoke of him often and didn't know how to approach him for the purposes of nesting, she'd expected Short to do something brash; he had the scent of recklessness about him.
[And now to secure my eggs], she thought, feeling as satisfied with herself as the two humans seemed to be with each other.