Characters: Bipsy (an original house-elf), Severus, Tappy (an admonishing house-elf), Poppy, Albus, Eileen, an unnamed mediwizard
Warning (highlight to view): None.
Word Count: 1630
Summary: Severus is having more friends than he knows, but Bipsy is his most devoted one.
Disclaimer: This work of fan fiction is based on characters and situations created by J. K. Rowling and owned by J. K. Rowling and various publishers, including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made from (and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended by) the posting of this fan work.
Author's Note: Written as a potential pinch-hit for snapecase's Category Four.
"You should not be doing this, Professor Snape. You is acting as if you is not belonging here! And you is—you are hurting yourself."
"What . . . amazing fucking dic—icuph—tion for a house-elf."
"You is saying not to—you asked me to speak like a wizard."
"And I am saying to you, Professor Snape, that you have to eat. You cannot be drinking yourself to death. You are a professor!"
"It's my—aiiierghph—oh, gods."
"There are not being any gods making you drink. You are drinking all by yourself. You are being, you are . . . you are . . . stupid! Yes, you are stupid!"
"Zzzrrrmngph . . . ."
"And you, Bipsy, is being a bad, disrespectful house-elf! How dare you be speaking that way to a professor, to Professor Snape?!"
"No, Tappy! Bipsy is a good house-elf—loyal and honest!"
"—us? Severus! What have you done?"
"—could have drowned in your own vomit, you stupid, irresponsible man!"
"Stop shouting, I beg you."
"I'm not shouting, but I could be. You've given me plenty about which to shout."
"Don't you 'Poppy' me, you ungrateful—"
"What do you mean, ungrateful? I have no rea—"
"I've saved you from this before! I've pulled you out of a puddle of your own sick before! I am thoroughly sick to death of your feeling sorry for yourself!"
"Argh, my hea—hea—earrrelorghguhguh!"
"Oh, Severus. Here you are. In the bin, that's right. In the bin, you poor, stupid man."
"I'll get right to the point, Severus. If you wish to kill yourself, use your wand. Madam Pomfrey informs me that she's tired of watching you attempt slow suicide from the confines of a bottle."
"There's always faster-acting poison, Headmaster."
"Yes, there is. . . . Sherbert lemon?"
"Professor Dumbledore isn't being—"
"—is not a poisoner, not really."
"My head—but I did understand you. Certainly, any poisoned sweets I've taken from him do not work, no."
"You is very—"
"Patient, but if you call me names, I will gift you with an article of clothing."
"Stupid and mean, Bipsy says! Bipsy means it!"
"—a damn what the house-elf thinks!"
"Professor Snape, what would you do if you were to break your vow to me and collect every article of clothing you own out of Hogwarts' grounds, never to return?"
"My question is not rhetorical. I cannot stop your self-destructive behaviour, but I do not have to indulge it here. You are upsetting the house-elves."
"I've been trying to teach them to speak correctly!"
"What an arrogant sot you are, Severus. The house-elves' diction is under their regulation, not yours."
"And you call this a school?!"
"Do you call yourself a professor, Severus? What is that bottle teaching you?"
"Spare me your—"
"Go home, Severus. Spend the summer at home."
"I don't wa—"
"And return sober or not at all. Now get out, and do enjoy some sun, while you're recuperating."
"Oh, it's you."
"Yes, thank you for that warm welcome, Mother."
"I've had a letter from Dumbledore. I know you've been drinking yourself silly."
"That's my business."
"No, it's mine. You're in my house, and I won't have it, now here."
"Am in my home, and I won't have you drinking over a girl who never loved you and has been dead for years."
"You're an unfeeling bi—"
"Fuck! Mam, stop!"
"I said, sto—"
"There's the door open for you, boy. Get out whilst you can. Go now."
"You wouldn't truly harm me. I'm your—"
"Oh, oh, sweet fuck. Where—"
"You is in St Mungo's. Your egg-layer disciplined you for your mouth."
"Bipsy is the only one who would come care for you. Bipsy is a good house-elf and loyal and can talk her own way!"
"Bipsy is a pai—"
"Bipsy will go, too, Professor Snape. Bipsy does your washings and cleans your kettles like a—"
"—witch instead of the right way!"
"Bipsy is your house-elf! Bipsy is supposing to be caring for you! Bipsy hates seeing you being the stupid professor! Bipsy says stop it right now, Severus Snape! You will be stopping!"
"Oh, really? Stopping what?"
"The drinking, you bad and stupid wizard!"
"And how do you suggest I do that? And why should I listen to you? You can't make me do anything. I'd like to see you try!"
"As Bipsy's Snape wishes. Bipsy loves her own magic."
"What was tha—"
"That was being the Stop-Drinking-Stupid-Things chirp. A magical sound. Now you is unable to drink the alky stuff. No more! Good professor. Bipsy will return!"
"I don't see how, sir. We don't use house-elves. Their magic can inadvertently interfere with—"
"I'm telling you, she was here! She was here, and she—"
"I think you're having DTs, sir. They'll pass, especially if you'll allow me to treat you."
"Out! Get out! Get away from me!"
"Albus Dumbledore is wanting you to be nice and to stop drinking the a-l-c-o-h-o-l. He says tha—"
"Bipsy! Get back here!"
"You is not going to hurt Bipsy! No choking—and you is to be staying in that bed, Severus Snape!"
"I will ki—"
"NO! No, you will NOT be hurting Bipsy! No hurting! You is still not a good wizard, but you is MY wizard!"
"I am no one's wizard."
"Bipsy is seeing why, and—"
"I. Order. You. To. Go."
"—personal house-elf, yes. I assigned her to you because she had some experience with . . . troubled wizards."
"Then why hasn't she returned?"
"Because, Severus, you told her to go."
"But apparently you'd given her permission to—"
"Visit 'her' professor, but then you told her to go. She cannot return now, and I wonder if she even wants to."
"I don't want to stay here, Headmaster."
"How unfortunate. Where else would you go?"
"I'll return to the schoo—"
"No, I'm afraid not. I can't have a drunken Potions master."
"But a sot of a Divination professor?"
"Is perfectly acceptable. Sybill cannot truly harm anyone, but you, well . . . ."
"What of him?"
"I vowed to protect him!"
"Yes, but how could you, in your current 'condition', do anything for the boy? Go home, Severus. Be decent to your mother. Sort yourself out."
"That's it? That's all you have to say?"
"Yes, it is."
"Bipsy, Bipsy, please . . . ."
"Are you sober, boy?"
"What? No! I—"
"Will surrender your wand, or fuck off. Your choice, 'dear'."
"Ah, I see."
"What did . . . you do to . . . me, Mother?"
"Nothing. That's house-elf magic."
"Did that house-elf who visited you work any magic?"
"Did you ask the house-elf to sober you up? To cure you?"
"No! I . . . oh, my . . . go—no."
"Think carefully. Review your words. What exactly did you sa—aim for the bowl, boy! . . . Severus? Severus?"
"I'll . . . live."
"Good. Now, what did you say?"
"Something . . . stupid."
"Ah, well. Let me know when you've finished."
"You shouldn't have to clean up your own sick."
"—his mother's eyes."
"They were pretty eyes, but not worth all this fuss."
"You stayed with a man who—"
"I'll snap your sodding wand if you take us any farther down memory lane."
"You mean 'further'."
"You know what I mean."
"No, actually, Mam, I don't."
"Well, there's no use digging all that up."
"Certainly not without knowing where 'it' is buried."
"Balls deep in some silly whore, no doubt—and don't take that tone with me."
"If you stop putting images in my mind, I'll work on my sodding tones."
"I suppose that will have to do under the circumstances."
"There are ways to summon house-elves, you know."
Bipsy, I'm . . . I'm sorry. Please return to me."
"Severus Snape! Are you wanting to be a professor again? Summer is almost over, and—Professor Dumbledore has been saying he wants a new Potions master and the masters who is coming for chats with him aren't being tidy or nice or—"
"Bipsy! Breathe! . . . Better. You arrived quickly. Th—hank you."
"Professor Snape is thanking Bipsy!"
"Yes, he, er, damn it! I mean, yes, I am. I do. Thank you for coming."
"Bipsy is happy to help her Professor Snape. What should Bipsy be doing?"
"Well, you could begin by teaching Mam how to cook . . . ."
"Oh! Bipsy is a good coo—"
"And so am I!"
"Bipsy hears that laugh, Professor Snape. Is you laughing at—"
"'Are' you laughing, you mean."
"Mother of Professor Snape is not knowing this, but Bipsy has her own voice!"
"Yes, dear, but it's wrong."
"Mother! Bipsy may speak as she wishes."
"If you say so, Severus. Bipsy, perhaps you might tell us all about tea—as you're making it."
"Is Professor Snape wanting Bipsy to make tea? But not the special way?"
"No, Bipsy, not the special way, but Mam and I would appreciate a pot of tea."
"—and just because you cannot physically stand the alcohol, for however long, it doesn't mean that—"
"I know, Mam. I . . . will take steps . . . I'll try to—"
"I hope so, dear. . . . Come see me again soon, I'd like that."
"I've got to show you where I buried the man, don't I?"
"Bipsy doesn't believe it, Professor Snape. The Mother is a nice witch."
"Well, that's a lie."
"Severus, what an unkind, however true, thing to say."
"You raised me 'honest', did you not?"
"Come see me soon. I would like it."
"Yes, so would I, Mam."
"You're looking remarkably well, Severus."
"Thank you, Headmaster."
"I know that it was a difficult first year. Are you prepared for Potter's second one?"
"Yes, Headmaster. I'll have . . . help this year."
"Yes, Professor Snape?"
"That was not being house-elf speech."
"Bipsy has her own voice. Bipsy speaks the way she wants to! How may Bipsy help, Professor Snape?"
"Someone. Has. Been. In. My. Classroom."
"Oh, yes, several someones! Guests of Professor Dumbledore even though Bipsy was telling him that he did not, that he, that there is no needing to be hiring anyone for Potions!"
"It's all right, Bipsy. Who touched what? I want no trace of—"
"Yes, Professor Snape! Bipsy is ready! Bipsy will clean the touch of the interlopers away!"
"Very good, Bipsy. You're a good house-elf."
"Oh, Bipsy hears you, Professor Snape! Bipsy is being so happy to be a good house-elf!"
"And you're a . . . a good friend, too. . . . Bipsy? Bipsy! Bipsy, wake up! Bipsy!"
"Bipsy, be drinking this. Drink, yes, good. Bipsy?"
"Oh, Professor Snape is a good friend to his Bipsy. Bipsy is so proud!"
"You scared me, Bipsy! Don't do—please don't do that again."
"Don't be worrying, Professor Snape. Bipsy is being—Bipsy will not scare you again. Bipsy pro—I promise!"
"You don't have to talk like me, really."
"Oh, Bipsy knows. Bipsy just wanted you to be knowing that you is Bipsy's friend, too."
"I do know, Bipsy. I do know, and . . . I'm glad. Now, shall we clean?"
"You is wanting to be cleaning with Bipsy?"
"Yes. Let us together remove all trace of the interlopers!"