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Of late, I keep waking up around 3:15 a.m.

This morning, Albus didn't want to get up with me, even for a pee break, but I eventually persuaded him to relieve himself in the sleet. He's now made a huge nest out of all the covers but the 'Foot's and cannot be moved, the comfort-loving dog. :P

I thought I'd get some work done. Ha! Shog got up, too, and was unaccountably chatty. I had to (politely) request that he give me a moment. He is now pouting in his office. (My office really needs a door, damn it!)

So, I alluded to this in an earlier post, but here it is: Barefoot and Zelda are both winding down; Shog and I intend to keep them comfortable and spoiled until their good days aren't as common as their bad ones, and then we'll pay them the final kindness, as we most recently did for Andy (for whom I still mourn, mostly because I thought we'd have him with us longer).

Barefoot and Zelda have been with us for a long time, and I think we've given them good lives and done right by them—and it's not like we haven't been preparing ourselves for this, but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I don't want to lose them. I'm very angry about it. It's going to be hard; it's difficult, now. I keep remembering times when I pushed them out of my lap in favor of my laptop or kicked them off the bed for kneading me sharply and regretting those times. I keep wondering if there was anything else I could have done to prevent their current conditions. I feel awful. I blame myself.

They're our old girls. Many cats don't live to see 17 and 18. Most of mine have seen their twenties. I feel like I've failed them, which is stupid because we're why Barefoot didn't die in a flood, and why Zelda wasn't poisoned to death. We've taken better care of them than we have, at times, of ourselves. I am just really having a hard time staying calm about it, but I have to; I don't want the 'Foot and our Zel' to pick up on my grief. They shouldn't have to worry about me, but they do. They know, and they're trying to comfort me.

They're good girls.


Fuck. I'm going to go thaw some chicken livers.


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 17th, 2016 10:13 am (UTC)
It's hard to accept when those we love get old and we start counting the days we may still have with them. All you can do is treasure each day and give them a special treat like those chicken livers.
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:06 am (UTC)
I agree, and they really liked the livers. :)
Dec. 17th, 2016 10:29 am (UTC)
Here's hoping the winding down is not without its joyful, comforting moments (for both you and them) and that there will be the chance for them to snuggle down comfortably and dream forever.

Hugs to you. It is so difficult to be helpless to fix things :(

Edited at 2016-12-17 10:30 am (UTC)
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:06 am (UTC)

They're still really enjoying the fireplace and their food, so that's good. :)
Dec. 17th, 2016 03:51 pm (UTC)
::hugs:: I feel for you both. We are going through a similar situation with our beloved dog, whom we still refer to as "the puppy" even though in human years she's in her nineties. Dogs of her breed generally don't make it past nine or ten, and she will be twelve in April. We have made the same promise you have -- we'll keep her clean, comfortable, and spoiled with love and hugs until her bad days outnumber her good ones... but oh, it is so hard to know that that time is getting closer, isn't it?
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:12 am (UTC)
Merva is still "the baby," and Niamh, "the young cat." It's harder to do that with our old ladies, but I still remember the 'Foot clinging to me with her tiny paws when I first pulled her from her adoption cage, and how grumpily acquiescent Zelda was when we took her out of hers.

That's a good promise to make to your baby. *hugs* I know it'll be hard for all of us when the time finally comes, but here's hoping that our fuzzies' final days will be good ones.
Dec. 17th, 2016 05:56 pm (UTC)
~big hugs~ That is a hard one, but you are good people and the cats know it.
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:13 am (UTC)
Thank you. *hugs*
Dec. 17th, 2016 07:03 pm (UTC)
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:13 am (UTC)
Dec. 17th, 2016 11:13 pm (UTC)
Watching beloved pets age and knowing that their time may come to an end soon is very hard. I hope Barefoot and Zelda will enjoy many more good days before that.
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:14 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. *hugs*
Dec. 18th, 2016 06:10 am (UTC)

It really doesn't matter how prepared one is. It's still hard. They've had the best life possible with you,so don't you dare take blame for this.It is what it is and you've made a ton of memories.

Dec. 19th, 2016 02:14 am (UTC)
*huge big hugs*
Dec. 18th, 2016 04:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs you hard*
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:14 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:15 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. *sniffs; hugs*
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )