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[info]alicit prompted me with Snarry: ashwinder and obstreperous. Health and safety regulations don't seem to apply in the magical world.

Summary: It should be obvious to everyone that all snakes would Sort Slytherin.

How to Properly Secure Eggs (NC-17; Snarry, Original Snake; 529 words)

Harry wrinkled his nose against the scents of charred wood and scorched Potions ingredients as he entered Snape's Ministry lab to find him shouting, "Aggressive, unruly, obstreperous snake!" and holding an ashwinder at bay with his wand.

She wants her eggs, Harry thought, as he smoothed down his robes and looked at the Ever-Icing Bowl holding a red, steaming clutch behind Snape. Gathering his nerve, he asked, "Aren't you being redundant?"

Snape turned to glare at him. "Potter. What the hell do you want?"

"Well, I had personal business to discuss with you, but that can wait given you've obviously left the issue of a Class Triple Ex magical creature improperly secured. Care to explain that, Mr Snape?"

Snape's mouth opened and closed several times in apparent astonishment, and he flushed angrily.

"Just fucking with you," Harry said, murmuring something in Parseltongue at the ashwinder, who obediently returned to her "snakequarium" after responding with some answering hisses. Then, with a flick of his wand, Harry restored Snape's lab.

"What the hell did you just do? How could you possibly know what damage that menace did?"

"You're welcome—and that menace's name is 'Slissa'."

Snape crossed his arms, his glare now more pronounced, and said nothing.

"You should probably give her back her clutch. She's not happy with you—says you've been taking too many eggs of late."

"I do not take orders from a snake!"

"How about ones from an Auror who understands the proper safety and security charms one should employ when—"

"Potter! Why are you here? What 'personal business' did you care to discuss?"

And that's as close to thanks as I'll get, isn't it? Harry rolled his eyes and grinned; it was gratifying enough to see Snape's eyes widen a bit. Well, here goes, Harry thought, deciding to be as explicit as possible. "I figured, after our, er, dance at the Ministry gala, that you might be interested in coming 'round to my place, having dinner, talking for a while, and then shagging me senseless. How does tonight sound? About seven? I'd return the favour, and I'm not a half-bad cook—but you should bring the wine 'cause I'm pants at selecting it. We're having beef."

Harry's heart hammered in his chest as Snape gaped at him. He's not hexing me! He's not hexing me! He's not—

"Screw beef. I prefer Auror," Snape said, suddenly moving towards Harry and walking him backwards into the now-closed door.

He sank to his knees and unceremoniously jerked Harry's trousers down before gently sucking one of Harry's bollocks into his warm, wet, welcoming mouth while Harry let loose an appreciative string of sibilant obscenities.

~*~

"[Aren't you being redundant?]" Slissa hissed at the shorter human, as she slithered out of her cage towards her clutch.

She wasn't surprised when he didn't reply to her. When she'd told him that Tall spoke of him often and didn't know how to approach him for the purposes of nesting, she'd expected Short to do something brash; he had the scent of recklessness about him.

[And now to secure my eggs], she thought, feeling as satisfied with herself as the two humans seemed to be with each other.

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
salviag
Jun. 2nd, 2010 08:07 pm (UTC)
I'm in love with Slissa!!! Such a beautiful way to end... Is there such a thing as a LOL-snake?
iulia_linnea
Jun. 2nd, 2010 08:16 pm (UTC)
Hee! Somewhere, I'm sure there is. And your enjoyment pleases Slissa. :D
shyfoxling
Jun. 3rd, 2010 01:42 am (UTC)




probably not what you had in mind though... ;)
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 01:43 am (UTC)
*snickers loudly at the top one especially*

It's . . . still too soon, I think. Poor woman! ;)

P.S. Wait a minute! Did you just invent the lolsnake?!

Edited at 2010-06-03 01:44 am (UTC)
shyfoxling
Jun. 3rd, 2010 02:08 am (UTC)
Not really. Besides that I'm sure other people have thought of it before, I actually had these two images hanging around already, from something I'd originally posted in some other comment thread lost to the mists of time (I'm pretty sure that, perhaps counterintuitively, it wasn't a top-post in lolpotters).
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 02:11 am (UTC)
Well, I'm glad you had the images lying around; your lolsnakes gave me the giggles. :D
salviag
Jun. 3rd, 2010 05:18 am (UTC)
TOOOO funny!!!!
crystalusagi
Jun. 2nd, 2010 09:17 pm (UTC)
*grin* I think the best part has to be that Tall talks about Short often and wants to approach him for "purposes of nesting."
iulia_linnea
Jun. 2nd, 2010 10:49 pm (UTC)
*glee*

I'm not sure if Slissa lied about that or not, but it's got me thinking . . . . ;)
crystalusagi
Jun. 3rd, 2010 02:31 am (UTC)
XD

I must tell you now I have a soft spot for Snape in a step-parent role.
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
Snape parenting in any capacity fascinates me, too. :D
crystalusagi
Jun. 3rd, 2010 02:41 am (UTC)
*grin* That is because he was such an unusual teacher. One wonders whether he'd be better with his own children, or whether he'd just inspire loyalty the way he does with the Slytherins. I like the idea of Snape having a soft spot for Albus Severus.
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 03:05 am (UTC)
Oh, so do I! He'd grouse about the name, but secretly, I think he'd be pleased. :D
shiv5468
Jun. 2nd, 2010 09:58 pm (UTC)
Hee. What wine goes with Auror?
iulia_linnea
Jun. 2nd, 2010 10:49 pm (UTC)
A red, definitely. ;)
themostepotente
Jun. 2nd, 2010 10:29 pm (UTC)
Aww, that was sweet! And I love clever Slissa :-)
iulia_linnea
Jun. 2nd, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
*dances*

Thanks!
aliciajd
Jun. 2nd, 2010 10:39 pm (UTC)
I love this!
iulia_linnea
Jun. 2nd, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
Yay! :D
kitkat1979
Jun. 2nd, 2010 11:18 pm (UTC)
Lol at 'original snake'! Love it :)
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 01:27 am (UTC)
Yay! Thank you. :)
mollyssister
Jun. 3rd, 2010 12:52 am (UTC)
I like your bold as brass Harry throwing a loop at Severus. Miss Snake is just frosting on the cake ficlet
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 01:29 am (UTC)
Hee! Harry is love when going for it, I think, and I love Miss Snake, so I'm glad you do, too. Thank you!
spike7451
Jun. 3rd, 2010 01:55 pm (UTC)
This was fabulous..loved Slissa. :)
iulia_linnea
Jun. 3rd, 2010 03:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you! *dances; winces at your icon; snorts*
leni_jess
Jun. 4th, 2010 05:28 am (UTC)
Delightful! You had me at "original snake", and followed through. No doubt Snape will learn to amend his other methods.
iulia_linnea
Jun. 4th, 2010 08:44 am (UTC)
Thank you! *dances*
brinian
Jun. 14th, 2010 06:40 pm (UTC)
Lovely, just lovely :-)
iulia_linnea
Jun. 17th, 2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :D
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )